My Way or the Highway?

Over the years, I have become aware that I am have a Type A personality. When I say over the years, I really mean the past 22. So since birth, I have developed this personality that likes events to happen when scheduled, documents to be organized, and things to happen my way. My grandma used to love telling the story of my first (and only?) ballet recital when I was on stage bossing the other girls around when they weren’t performing up to my standards. I was four! I have not changed much since then; I am still the semi-bossy, my way works best because it’s the most efficient, organization, time conscious, record keeping queen. All of these traits may sound like the perfect combination as an employee. In fact, I need to meet deadlines (I actually like to be early) or else I become anxious and frustrated with myself, everything has to have a place or I become anxious, and above all, the schedule must be kept at all costs to produce a smooth working environment or else I become anxious. Needless to say, when things don’t happen the way I expect/want them too I become anxious. It’s part of my perfectionistic tendencies. This is all the backstory to bring us to where God has me today… Every part of my type A personality that I described above is the exact opposite of Zambian culture so my days are often filled with frustrations and the temptations to take charge. God has granted me self-control in order to not act out on these frustrations and temptations, but I believe that He wants more than just my actions to be changed. He wants my heart to be more like Him. I believe that God didn’t give me a spirit of anxiousness and fear, so these feelings that I have are a result of sin and the devil’s attacks. Even writing this, I can see errors in my thinking. Did you notice how I was very black and white in my though process earlier? “my way is best, need to meet; has to have; must be kept at all costs.” These thought patterns are not from God. God created humans with creativity, and our diversity is what allows humans as a whole to capture the image of God. Thinking that my way is the best way is actually limiting people to do what we were made to do. Now there is a place for organization, time keeping, and proper recording, but I need to look at what is important. Will I be able to take my organization tools to heaven, will I keep time in heaven, will I have to document everything in heaven? No, no, and no. What will come with me to eternity? People. Souls. My type A personality may help me reach people, but I can’t let my perfectionism become more important than people. I need to create new coping skills to dealing with my frustrations that don’t include becoming anxious and annoyed. I want coping skills that make me more like Christ rather than creating a foothold for the devil. Any suggestions? It is time for the old Ally to go and the new, Christ-like Ally, in spirit as well as deeds, to come forth and flourish.

Serentiy

Over the past couple weeks, I have been focusing on the serenity prayer. For those who may not know, it goes like this: God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen. Serenity is the opposite of anxiety, of worry. Serenity is a character trait that I lack, but also one that I desire to have. As the prayer says, serenity is also a two part trait: emotion AND action. I believe that complete serenity is only available through surrendering my life to God and his will (AA Step 3). Psalm 61 speaks to developing serenity in the midst of trial by finding refuge under the shelter of His wings. One can say that beginning my year in Zambia has been a bit of a trial and journey in and of itself these past few days. The adjustment period has/is slow. I have already heard “You’ll get used” more time than I can count. So often, I want to skip the process to jump straight to the end result. For example, I wish that I could wake up one morning having full knowledge and understanding of Nyanja, only one of the local languages. Serenity is having peace with where I am at with the language (I have only been in Zambia for 5 days!), but also taking the chance of being ridiculed for saying something wrong or in a funny way. Serenity requires enough humility to take a risk and ask for help. After all, the only way we change is with each other. Finally in honor of the serenity prayer, I am going to make a list of things I can and cannot change and practice using the wisdom to know the difference. If you disagree with any of my statements, please share as learning is vital to wisdom! Things I cannot change: the bugs, the phone system, the language, jet lag, time difference, Lusaka itself, bus system Things I can change: increase my use of bug spray, practice using the phone system and ask questions about it, increase my Nyanja vocabulary, spend time around people who only speak Nyanja, social connections, practice going to places that I will visit frequently

Time

Time: it flies and drags. We spend it and loose it. We want it to speed up and slow down. But mostly, we seem to always want more of it. The very thing that I asked for is the very thing that causes so much pain. I have been blessed to have spent the last three weeks with my love ones, but as Brooks drove back to school today, I find it hard not to wonder where the time went and feel cheated for not having more to spend with him. I always expect to have more time: there will always be a tomorrow or next week. But in reality, there is only the hear and the now. This is such a hard lesson for me to embrace because I am a future-oriented planner by nature. However, I think that Jesus, while he had plans for the future, lived and continues to live presently. The Messiah College pastor once described Jesus as the 3mph God, which is the pace of a slower walk that allows for conversation to happen. So while Jesus was going somewhere, he used his time to its greatest potential, maximizing every bit of the relationship. As I begin my journey to Africa soon, I wish to emulate Christ in this way because before I know it, I will be returning to the States wondering where the past year went. Every month when I write my news letter, I will wonder, "where in the world did the time go?" But I also hope that each month when I look back and also look forward to the next month, I can see evidence of God's overarching plan in both my life and in the lives of the people around me. Maybe one day, I will be able to balance the present and the future.

America

With the Confederate flag debate in South Carolina and around the country heating up, I have been thinking how America has a history of hiding its faults. Let's look for a second to both the Japanese Internment Camps and the Trail of Tears. Approximately 120,000 Japanese-Americans were relocated solely because of their race. They were forcibly removed from their homes to camps only slightly better than the Nazi camps in Europe. But do we teach our children about this ugly fact? NO! We focus on how Hitler killed almost 15 million Jews during the same war not to mention the soldiers that died on both sides. And yet we don't ban the Nazi flag from American markets because it is a history in which America is the hero. The Confederate flag represents the dark side of our history as Americans. About 4 million slaves were present in the United States at the time of the Emancipation Proclamation and an additional 620,000 lives were directly affected through death fighting in the Civil War. Half of the American soldiers that have died in any war died during the Civil War. Disposing of the Confederate flag means ignoring the 4.5+ million lives that were directly impacted by the war and the outcome and missing the point of being an America. In reality, both the Union and Confederate were fighting for the America they believed to be the most consistent with the founding fathers. The North was fighting for racial equality while the South was pushing for state's rights. Both of these concepts can be found in the Constitution and are part of the definition of "American." Just because one man uses the Confederate flag to symbolize the racial hate that he held so deeply in his heart does not mean that the remnants of the past can be swept under the rug. By removing the flag from common knowledge, we are creating a false sense of security and progress. We are simply ignoring the past rather than learning from it. The flag in and of itself is not evil. It can be used for wrong or good in the same way that a gun can be used for hunting game or man. For the sake of argument and irony, I propose that if the flag is banned throughout America, we ban everything related to race and conflict in America's history from common areas. For starters we have to change many sports mascots (Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Cincinnati Reds, New York Yankees, San Diego Padres (religion), Washington Redskins, Kansas City Chiefs, and Chicago Blackhawks). Tell me, why is okay to diminish an ethnic or religious group to the same level as animals. So if America is banning all things race and conflict, these systematic racial abuses must be removed. In addition to "simply" changing the names of every possible racist sporting mascot in America, all signs of slavery must be abolished. We must tear down all symbols and statues of George Washington, Jefferson Davis, Frederick Douglas, Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King Jr., and yes, even Abraham Lincoln because to remember good old Abe is to remember that slavery did in fact exist in the United States of America. So goodbye Capitol Mall; goodbye state history; goodbye America. Oh and for the love of all that is good and holy, get rid of the History Channel and all things Nazi! So you see, America is not America without its history of overcoming slavery. We must learn from our history, not run from it! Hiding America's evils like we have in the past is the worst idea that we have had since striking a nuclear deal with Iran. (oh wait, that was last week...) Let's become a country that exposes even our own tyranny and strives for reconciliation rather than ignorance.

Thrown off the Deep End

Coming into adulthood is far more difficult than I would have imagined... For the first time in my life, this summer I am seen as a professional in the workforce. Weird. No more acting, no more dress-up, no more "hey, you look so professional! Do you have a presentation today?" No. This is the real thing with real expectations. They don't teach you this in college. Young adulthood may as well be called "pseudo-adulthood." I'm given this task "grow up" and told sink or swim. Some days I feel like I'm drowning; others I'm floating on drift wood. I know I'm not the only 20-odd year old to feel this way. I know for a fact that at least one other person on this floating ball relates because we talked about it today. In light of drowning, I came up with a three step plan to learn how to swim. Step one: Ask for a life jacket. I've been learning that it's okay to ask for help. I'm not expected to know everything at age 21. For example, I don't know how to cook much besides pasta, and that's okay. Just the other night, I was all worked up because I was broiling meat for the first time. But now I know to leave the oven door open a crack, let the meat rest about five minutes, and cut it at an angle (this part, I'm still working on). All because I asked for help. Step two: Learn to kick. Discipline in the smallest is what will keep my legs moving. God says if we are faithful in the little we will be faithful with larger, more daunting tasks he has for us. But first, we need to be disciplined in the every day aspects of our lives. For me, the hardest things to be disciplined in are the activities without deadlines such as my spiritual journey, exercising, flossing, oh and heaven help me if I have to do dishes! I obviously still have a ways to go in this area, but I believe this concept can apply to any individual of any age and any background. As I prove myself to be reliable in the small tasks, I will build trust with everyone around me. And it is trust that will provide the social safety net for the hard times. Step three: Reach out and stroke. Reaching out to someone in either a professional or personal relationship is the beginning of all relationships. Sometimes it's scary to take initiative and make a whole bunch of new friends. I'm not saying that one has to be an extreme extrovert to survive this life let alone "make it," whatever that means. Simply be a friend. Care for those in your life, whether that's 5 or 500 people. Humankind was not meant to live in isolation from each other, the planet, or the Creator. So I ask you, can you swim through this life or will you sink?

Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks

Wow, it seems like just last week that I arrived at Messiah as a first year student...And now, I have let my first year residents fly. Where does the time go? Sometimes I look in the mirror and try to see the girl who left high school to come to this place, but I only see her in remnants that have been remade into new things. Here are just a few things that I have learned this year: 1) I am an introvert 2) Respect other people's wishes and desires 3) Be me always 4) A relationship with God is most important and sustains life 5) Sometimes, I can be too stubborn and narrow minded to see the other side 6) I like knowing the process 7) Sleep is a good thing 8) Nature noises relax me 9) It's okay to spend time alone 10) There are people like me in the world and therefore not alone.

Scars and All

A couple weeks ago, my dorm floor spent a week focusing on different aspects of beauty. We covered the mirrors and wrote encouraging notes to each other full of Christ's love. My roommate and I personally spent one of those days without using mirrors. I hadn't realized how often I look at myself until then. I hadn't realized that the mirror had become an idol for me. I was subconsciously obsessed with matching that vision of beauty that I had in my head. I talk about this now and not three weeks ago because of something that happened this morning. As I was getting ready in front of my mirror, I realized for maybe the first time in my twenty-one years of life that I liked me. I didn't feel the need to cover scars or flaunt curves. Instead, I felt comfortable and truly beautiful. I hadn't been wearing make-up for a couple months because I wanted to work on accepting myself, scars and all. When I realized how I felt this morning, I didn't feel obligated to wear make-up but instead chose to because I wanted to. To me, this was a big difference. It's amazing how God can work in small ways. I felt the love and acceptance of God today. I want to experience this more often, every day even.