My Way or the Highway?

Over the years, I have become aware that I am have a Type A personality. When I say over the years, I really mean the past 22. So since birth, I have developed this personality that likes events to happen when scheduled, documents to be organized, and things to happen my way. My grandma used to love telling the story of my first (and only?) ballet recital when I was on stage bossing the other girls around when they weren’t performing up to my standards. I was four! I have not changed much since then; I am still the semi-bossy, my way works best because it’s the most efficient, organization, time conscious, record keeping queen. All of these traits may sound like the perfect combination as an employee. In fact, I need to meet deadlines (I actually like to be early) or else I become anxious and frustrated with myself, everything has to have a place or I become anxious, and above all, the schedule must be kept at all costs to produce a smooth working environment or else I become anxious. Needless to say, when things don’t happen the way I expect/want them too I become anxious. It’s part of my perfectionistic tendencies. This is all the backstory to bring us to where God has me today… Every part of my type A personality that I described above is the exact opposite of Zambian culture so my days are often filled with frustrations and the temptations to take charge. God has granted me self-control in order to not act out on these frustrations and temptations, but I believe that He wants more than just my actions to be changed. He wants my heart to be more like Him. I believe that God didn’t give me a spirit of anxiousness and fear, so these feelings that I have are a result of sin and the devil’s attacks. Even writing this, I can see errors in my thinking. Did you notice how I was very black and white in my though process earlier? “my way is best, need to meet; has to have; must be kept at all costs.” These thought patterns are not from God. God created humans with creativity, and our diversity is what allows humans as a whole to capture the image of God. Thinking that my way is the best way is actually limiting people to do what we were made to do. Now there is a place for organization, time keeping, and proper recording, but I need to look at what is important. Will I be able to take my organization tools to heaven, will I keep time in heaven, will I have to document everything in heaven? No, no, and no. What will come with me to eternity? People. Souls. My type A personality may help me reach people, but I can’t let my perfectionism become more important than people. I need to create new coping skills to dealing with my frustrations that don’t include becoming anxious and annoyed. I want coping skills that make me more like Christ rather than creating a foothold for the devil. Any suggestions? It is time for the old Ally to go and the new, Christ-like Ally, in spirit as well as deeds, to come forth and flourish.

Serentiy

Over the past couple weeks, I have been focusing on the serenity prayer. For those who may not know, it goes like this: God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen. Serenity is the opposite of anxiety, of worry. Serenity is a character trait that I lack, but also one that I desire to have. As the prayer says, serenity is also a two part trait: emotion AND action. I believe that complete serenity is only available through surrendering my life to God and his will (AA Step 3). Psalm 61 speaks to developing serenity in the midst of trial by finding refuge under the shelter of His wings. One can say that beginning my year in Zambia has been a bit of a trial and journey in and of itself these past few days. The adjustment period has/is slow. I have already heard “You’ll get used” more time than I can count. So often, I want to skip the process to jump straight to the end result. For example, I wish that I could wake up one morning having full knowledge and understanding of Nyanja, only one of the local languages. Serenity is having peace with where I am at with the language (I have only been in Zambia for 5 days!), but also taking the chance of being ridiculed for saying something wrong or in a funny way. Serenity requires enough humility to take a risk and ask for help. After all, the only way we change is with each other. Finally in honor of the serenity prayer, I am going to make a list of things I can and cannot change and practice using the wisdom to know the difference. If you disagree with any of my statements, please share as learning is vital to wisdom! Things I cannot change: the bugs, the phone system, the language, jet lag, time difference, Lusaka itself, bus system Things I can change: increase my use of bug spray, practice using the phone system and ask questions about it, increase my Nyanja vocabulary, spend time around people who only speak Nyanja, social connections, practice going to places that I will visit frequently

Time

Time: it flies and drags. We spend it and loose it. We want it to speed up and slow down. But mostly, we seem to always want more of it. The very thing that I asked for is the very thing that causes so much pain. I have been blessed to have spent the last three weeks with my love ones, but as Brooks drove back to school today, I find it hard not to wonder where the time went and feel cheated for not having more to spend with him. I always expect to have more time: there will always be a tomorrow or next week. But in reality, there is only the hear and the now. This is such a hard lesson for me to embrace because I am a future-oriented planner by nature. However, I think that Jesus, while he had plans for the future, lived and continues to live presently. The Messiah College pastor once described Jesus as the 3mph God, which is the pace of a slower walk that allows for conversation to happen. So while Jesus was going somewhere, he used his time to its greatest potential, maximizing every bit of the relationship. As I begin my journey to Africa soon, I wish to emulate Christ in this way because before I know it, I will be returning to the States wondering where the past year went. Every month when I write my news letter, I will wonder, "where in the world did the time go?" But I also hope that each month when I look back and also look forward to the next month, I can see evidence of God's overarching plan in both my life and in the lives of the people around me. Maybe one day, I will be able to balance the present and the future.